Our oldest son, Keenan, lives in Texas. Our youngest, Colt, is off at college. Our middle son, Noah, has lived here on property, renting our guest house for the last several years and mercifully keeping my nest from emptying whole.
Next Monday that will change. He and his girlfriend have decided to give New Hampshire a go. She is from there and wants to live near her family.
I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind since they casually announced their impending departure a few months ago.
Me: We really need some rain.
Them: (something like this) I know right. We are moving to New Hampshire.
*blink blink blink* say something supportive my mind was saying.
Me: Wow, that’s exciting. What a fun adventure.
They continued to talk and I heard nothing coming out of their mouths. I had a smile on my face, but inside I was crumbling.
Eventually the two of them wandered back to the guest house. I sat staring out the window for a bit. Then I filed it away. I would deal with it when I had to and not a second sooner.
When I casually dropped their move into a Savoring a month-ish ago, my phone started vibrating. I hadn’t even shared it with my dearest friends.
Denial is a talent. One I’ve honed.
“WHAT? He’s moving? How are you doing?” they asked.
“I’m in denial”, I said, “let’s not discuss it.”
And we didn’t.
The time for denial has come to an end. We had a going away party last weekend for the two of them. I referred to it all week as his birthday party, refusing to call it a going away party.
JJ gave a speech and had to pause several times because his voice kept cracking. It’s a double whammy for him, Noah is also his right hand man at work. “Irreplaceable”, he keeps telling me.
I didn’t shed a tear at the gathering. My grandmother taught me crying was to be done in private. It’s a weakness not to be shown to others she coached. My mother cried often, over everything. It drove her crazy.
I don’t cry in public, or really much at all. My crier is broken. Confused. When I do cry, it’s never at the right time or for the right thing. It’s just something that happens, related to something else.
The morning after the party I was watching a March Madness highlight video on Instagram of all these amazing buzzer beater moments where the crowd goes wild each time and it was bringing me so much joy. It felt good to feel so happy. I kept watching it over and over.
I had the biggest smile on my face and chills from head to toe. And then my broken crier fuse tripped and I was a bawling, snot-faced mess. I cried for fifteen straight minutes. The kind that comes from your soul. The kind that shakes your body from the inside out.
And then I stopped. I washed my face. I felt better. It’s healing to cry over Instagram videos.
Next Sunday will be Noah’s last evening here in our nest. He takes with him the last of our parenting years.
We did good by our boys, I know because I see all of the goodness in them.
It’s time to let go. They are ready. I’m ready. But don’t call and ask me how I’m doing. Not just yet.
This Quote
"Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art." Eleanor Roosevelt
I feel like Eleanor and I would have been friends. She may not have known it, but we would have been.
These Homemade Sourdough Everything Bagels
Noah’s girlfriend, Morgan, baked me everything bagels this week. As if I wasn’t going to miss her enough.
This Substack
The difference between self care and sustenance.
“These things, I think, fall into the category of self-care, but they are different from sustenance, which feeds us, body and soul, at moments of profound, systemic, national grief the likes of which many of us are experiencing for the first time in our lives.”
This Phone Case
I am my-phone-case-caused-me-an-injury years old.
I have been using a case that had a small loop on the back and after hours of using it on a job site last week I noticed my arm hurt from my elbow to my pinky. I quickly figured out it was from propping the phone on my pinky finger the whole time to voice text my notes.
Time for a new case. This one allows you to put several fingers in and doesn’t require the extra under support. Also, it’s stylish AF.
This British Inn
We are heading to Europe at the end of April. We have gone many times but every trip has been a pound the pavement race from city to city. This time we will be taking a much more leisurely pace. I have wanted to spend time in the Cotswolds for as long as I can remember. This year it’s finally happening. Look at this amazing inn we have booked. (I’m in denial that JJ will be driving a car on the opposite side of the road for our stay. As I do, I’ll deal with that when I have to.)
This Antique Piece
I didn’t leave with her, but I can’t forget her. I might need to go back. She was pretty reasonably priced and would look amazing in my guest bedroom.
This Much Hated Show
Two things.
One, I love With Love, Meghan. It’s simple and quiet. I need more of that in my life. As someone who shows their love by cooking and entertaining, I get it. I can’t wait for my she-shed to be complete so I can host a brunch for some close friends and show her off. I will definitely be using a couple of the ideas she shares.
Two, I don’t understand the visceral hate towards her and this show. If you don’t like the it, that’s your right, keep moving. Or maybe if you are feeling like making sure everyone knows you don’t like it, say you aren’t a fan but the hate and meanness towards her is icky.
Leading with kindness is always a good idea.
This She Shed Update
Speaking of my she shed, here’s this week’s update.
This Muffin Recipe
I wanted to bake today and I had some perfectly ripe blueberries from my trip to the Farmer’s Market. I found this recipe from Cookie & Kate. The muffins were absolutely delicious.
This Happy Moment
Otis, always Otis.
Tell me your thoughts. Are you watching With Love, Meghan? Do you think we should bash shows and the show hosts if we don’t like them? If someone wants to be on tv, is this just something they have to accept as a reality? Or should we do better?
They go away and they come back, Stefanie! I thought all mine had flown, but my son (23) comes home between teaching contracts, and my daughters visit often, with grandchildren in tow. It's the start of a new phase, but so full of potential. Enjoy planning your trip to Europe.
Wow I can feel all you are feeling. 🩷 So I will talk about something else completely. I live in Texas - Keenan’s in Texas!!??!! Where? I’m in Houston.