Finding Myself, Loving What I'm Finding and Home Sweet Home - The Sunday Savoring No. 038

"What if life is a journey to find yourself," she thought.

Last Friday morning as I set out towards home on the last day of my road trip, the tears started flowing. A makeup likely for all the ones I didn’t shed along the way. Unable, as I usually am, in the meaningful moments. I wait for silence, darkness, privacy.

It was just before six, my bitter hotel coffee steaming in the center console, Otis snoring next to me in the passenger seat, belly full and business done. The sky was dark and starless.

It was already nearly 80 degrees outside. I was excited to be heading back to the southern California weather, my husband and my own bed.

None of my normal daily podcasts had dropped as it was too early so I turned on the news to feel some connection to the outside world in the darkness and loneliness of the morning. I was immediately agitated by the news cycle.

I switched to the calming fall playlist I created last year. I wanted to savor this last morning. One of my favorite songs on the list, the theme song from Practical Magic, came on just as the sky was beginning to brighten.

I drove down the highway, taking it all in, enjoying the moment, feeling the weight and wonder of what I had just done and the tears started pouring out, the sobs followed.

I’d traveled across the country and back. I’d done it alone. On purpose. I needed to.

I’ve always been an independent person. The process of battling leukemia stripped that from me. I needed others. I was dependent on them. My husband, the doctors, the nurses, friends. Everyone around me became part of my team. I am grateful. I wouldn’t have survived without them.

And yet, the needing of them for months, the dependence on everyone else, had stolen a large part of what made me, me.

I didn't think about the timing of this trip as I planned it. I didn’t think about it until that dark morning last Friday as the music played and the sun began to awaken. Two years ago, this very week, I was in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine that was dripping 24 hour a day chemotherapy into my body to fight the cancer that was trying to take over.

I had unknowingly planned this trip for that exact reason. I can see it now. I needed to re-find myself. My independence.

I needed the reclamation of me.

I resurfaced that independence over the last four weeks. I drove alone. I faced down my fears alone. I replaced windshield wiper fluid alone. I was prepared to change a tire alone. Thankfully I didn’t need to. Sometimes it’s enough to know you can.

I found more of myself too. The new me. The post diagnosis me that is surfacing. I’m growing quite fond of her.

I’m shedding the old parts that were created out of need, but no longer serve me. I’ve let go of so much pain and old trauma that was stale and holding space in my body. Replacing it with a new grace and self kindness. My inner child feels held and loved.

I’m facing my fears. Stretching myself. Growing. I’m saying yes to adventure. Yes to living every day I’m given on this planet with awe and wonder. I’m savoring it all. Finding presence. Grateful for every moment.

Thank you for your love and support over the last couple of years. I am so very grateful you are along for the ride. I could write an entire book on how much it has meant to me and it wouldn’t be enough.

No. 1 This Quote
The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. - Alan Watts

No. 2 This Honestly Podcast
I was 36 years old in 2007 when Amanda Knox’s name first hit mainstream media. I paid close enough attention to know what was being said about her, but not enough to form an opinion of her guilt or innocence. I do, however, remember thinking how dark and twisted the case was. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t believe some of what was being printed and said.

She was arrested the same day she discovered her roommate dead in their shared apartment. She had been brutally stabbed to death.

Amanda served four years in an Italian prison before she was given a new trial. It wasn’t until 2015 that she was finally definitively acquitted by the Italian Supreme Court of Cassation.

Whether you remember her story or you are just learning of it, her interview with Bari Weiss on the Honestly podcast is a lesson in perseverance, self clarity and meeting adversity where it shows up. Five out five stars.

No. 3 This Audio Book
If dark thrillers are your genre, None of This is True is flashing the porch light and calling you home.

This book was good, as is most everything by Lisa Jewell, but it is the audio production that I truly enjoyed. I highly recommend you listen to this book instead of reading it. It feels like you’re back in the 1920s sitting by a radio listening to the story unfold.

No. 4 These Red Peppers
Gardening teaches me a lot of things. That I have no control is a big one. I do my best but nature has its way with my garden no matter how hard I fight against it. I’ve learned to let go and accept what I get from my crops. Mostly.

I’ve tried for years to grow red bell peppers. They have sucked every single year. The “plant” is always beautiful, but they produce nothing.

Last year as we were pulling out our summer garden, and I was cursing the complete lack of production again, JJ convinced me to leave the plants in the ground and just see what happens. Three years into trying desperately to get them to grow I figured, why not.

We left them in the ground. Gave them absolutely nothing. Not even water over the winter. And now they are producing like Martha Stewart herself has been tending them. I guess, like me, they prefer some independence.

Are you gardening this summer? In a pot, a raised box or in the ground? Share a photo in The Savoring Chat. Good or bad. Give me what you’ve got.

No. 5 This Relatable & LOL Netflix Series
First of all, if you haven’t heard of Leanne Morgan, get out from under your rock you are going to thank me. I stumbled onto her Netflix comedy special, I’m Every Women, in early 2024 when I was in desperate need of a good laugh cleanse and she delivered in spades.

I recently listened to her on Good Hang with Amy Pohler and learned she has a new series on Netflix, Leanne. I was a bit skeptical because how could it live up to her stand up? It did not disappoint. I started a few days ago and I am already on episode 12. Her use of the word butthole is classy with a k and I’m here for it.

No. 6 These Fabulous Fuzzy Slip Ons
I forgot to take slippers with me on my road trip. I am not a germaphobe but I do get totally creeped out by being barefoot in hotel rooms. I blame Jason Bateman. He mentioned it on an episode of Smartless and I was forever altered.

In Maryland, my good friend Erin, had the cutest slippers. I ordered them for myself and had them shipped to our son’s house which was my next stop on the drive.

I feel so fancy in them.

No. 7 This Kitchen I Missed
I missed so many things about my home while I was on the road. My kitchen was top of the list. The beauty of missing it, is how inspired I feel now that I’m back.

Tonight I made grilled skirt steak with chimichurri sauce, roasted potatoes with onions and peppers from the garden and a salad with homemade organic vinaigrette dressing.

I’ll be sharing all of these recipes inside the Savoring Collective when we launch in October.

Until then, here’s the chimichurri sauce:

½ cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
½ cup parsley, chopped
2 tablespoons shallot, finely chopped
2 tablespoons red bell pepper, finely chopped
1 teaspoon dried oregano
½ teaspoon kosher salt
¼ teaspoon freshly grated pepper

Whisk it all together and enjoy.

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See you next Sunday! Until then, seek what life has to savor. Even if some days it’s admiring someone because they know how to properly use the word butthole.